I get a rush when I'm with you
Oh, I've got a crush on you

1. I hope you feel the way that I do.


"You what?"

JC ran a slim finger down Joey's arm. "Like you."

Joey blinked, trying to process the path their conversation had taken. He'd started with telling JC about Kelly's girl crush and the reason for their break up, which led to JC's comment about a "boy crush" and what exactly he would call it were he to have one, which led to Joey asking him whether or not he did, which led to… "C, what?"

"Look, do I have to spell it out?"

"Well, no. Fuck."

"What?"

"Do you think I'm gay? You think I'm gay. I'm not a fag."

JC jerked away from Joey, looking for all indications, like he'd just been slapped. "Oh."

Joey watched JC pull away from him, and couldn't decide if he cared or not. He stood up and began pacing the floor in front of his couch. "I can't believe you thought I was gay. Do I act gay? Look gay? Dress gay? Do I say gay things?"

"Joey, no. Stop."

Joey stopped pacing, talking, breathing. He stood and stared at his best friend, someone he though he'd known so well, as a jumble of thoughts rushed through his mind, each pressing for dominance.

"What are you thinking?" JC asked him.

"Too much, right now. Mostly I'm thinking that I knew you were gay. I knew, you know? Because you sat us down and made that big production and you told us and I knew. But I didn't know… I mean… me?"

"Look, it's not… I don't just like you because I thought… just… yeah."

"Do I really look like the type that sucks dick?"

JC closed his eyes, briefly. Joey watched the muscles in his neck and jaw work, saw his fists clench. "I'm going now." JC opened his eyes and moved toward the door. Joey followed.

"No, you don't…" Joey scrubbed a hand over his face. "You don't have to leave."

"I do, I'll talk to you later." He stopped just outside the door and turned a weary face back to Joey. "For what it's worth, I'm sorry."

Joey touched JC.

Joey touched all of them: to tickle, hug, whatever. But he touched JC the most because he didn't pull away like Chris did, or harass him back like Justin, or blush and stammer uncomfortably like Lance.

JC was passive to Joey's touch. He'd smile, and sometimes laugh with that strange, high pitched giggle as Joey slung him over his shoulder and paraded him around the stage, or chased him all over at the sound check to tickle him.

Joey assumed that JC just didn't care. Joey never thought that it meant JC liked him. It never occurred to him that JC never touched back because JC was afraid of what it would lead to, what he might do.

That scared Joey a little, that he'd just never known.


2. Sometimes you tell me things that I don't want to know.


Chris was in his living room when he got home, several hours later. Chris had his own house, but didn't like to live in it by himself, so he'd show up at their houses for weeks at a time when they were on breaks.

JC didn't say anything to Chris as he entered, just stumbled toward the couch, folding himself carefully into a corner.

"You told him?"

JC nodded miserably and burrowed further into the cushions.

"I told you he was straight."

"I know."

"I said, 'hey, JC, Joey's straight.'"

"I know."

"I said, 'hey, JC, stop being a putz when Joey tickles you, because he's straight.'"

"I know."

"I said, 'hey, JC-'"

"Shut up."

"I'm just saying…"

"I know, man. I know. Shut up."

"Fine. You want some chicken noodle soup?" Chris asked as he stood.

"I'm not sick."

"Well, right, dumbass. But it's lunch time."

JC checked his watch. The display read 12:30. "Oh, sure."

JC concentrated on the path of the spoon to his mouth. Dip into the bowl, bring soup to his mouth, and then back down again. On the fourth trip, he dropped the spoon into the bowl.

"Something wrong?" Chris asked.

JC's eyes never left the spoon. "He called me a fag."

"Fuck."

"I didn't really say anything, I didn't know what to say. But, yeah, he called me a fag."

"Well we can be fags together."

"Right." Something in Chris's tone caught in JC's thoughts, and he looked up from the spoon to find Chris watching him and he realized what it was. "Chris-"

"No, look. I'm not offering myself as a replacement, or whatever. Just for fun. For shits and giggles while it lasts."

"Am I that pathetic?"

"What? No-"

"I don't need a pity fuck."

"Jesus, it's not a pity fuck."

"Then what is it?"

"Look," Chris's voice dropped to his lower registers, something that only happened when he was being completely serious. "We both want what we can't have."

"Are you talking about Dani?"

"No."

"Justin."

Chris nodded.

"But Chris-"

"I know."

"He's strai-"

"I know!" He leaned forward across the table, piercing JC with the sad resignation in his eyes. "Look, you can't have him and I can't have the other and we can just sit here in anguish and bitch and moan or we can do something about it. And I know what I'd rather be doing. If that's not what-"

"It is."

Chris almost missed JC's whispered words. "What?"

"I… it is. Fine. Good. I want to."

Chris leaned back, surprised. "Well. Okay then."

"Okay." JC smiled.

Joey called Lance because Lance was the one he always called when he couldn't figure things out. Lance was good at thinking where he grew impatient.

Lance showed up on his doorstep twenty minutes later.

"You know you're not gay?"

"Well, yeah. Did you think I was gay?"

"Um…" Lance stammered. "No comment."

"No comment? What the fuck is this!? Why didn't you guys say something?"

"We thought you were trying to hide it still."

"I'm not a fucking fag."

Lance grew still. "Tell me you didn't say that to him."

"Not the 'fuck' part."

"You fuckhead."

Joey's head whipped around, to face Lance. His stance mirrored JC's, somewhat, from that afternoon. Lance's fists were clenched and Joey could see the muscles jumping in Lance's clenched jaw, down into his neck. But Lance's eyes were open. "What?" Joey asked.

"Do you even think? Before you speak?"

"Sometimes."

Lance crowded Joey against the wall behind him. "You'd better be planning on apologizing to JC," he said, jabbing his forefinger into Joey's sternum. "Right this instant," he added, with three more pokes.

"I'll call."

"You'll drive."

"Tomorrow."

"Right now."


3. Everybody wants you, everybody loves you.


Chris pressed himself against JC's back as the other man scraped slimy noodles down the disposal. "You wanna?" he whispered in JC's ear.

"Now?"

"Well, damn, don't be excited or anything."

"No, I am, just… I didn't think it would be now, today."

"We can wait if you want."

"No, it's fine."

"Fine? Because I normally look for a little more in a willing bed partner than 'yeah, it's fine.' I mean, if you want-"

JC whipped around and cut Chris off by pressing his mouth over Chris's. He swept his tongue inside Chris's open mouth, tasting the soup they'd had for lunch, and the sweet taste that was completely Chris.

JC pulled back a little. "It's fine."

Chris nodded, dazed. "Fine is good," he said, and allowed JC to lead him out of the kitchen.

"Lance?"

"What?"

"Man, I can't find my keys. Do you see them over there?"

"Joey, damn it, you can't hold on to anything."

"They might be over here…"

"Shit… Chris…" JC groaned. "Your hands…"

"What?"

"Nothing, just keep… yeah."

"You want me to what?"

"Don't stop, why did you… oh."

"Yeah."

"Found them!"

"Where were they?"

"In that little tray by your front door."

"Oh, right. I put them there so I wouldn't lose them."

"You want?"

"No… you do it."

"Because you can if you want to, I don't mind."

"God… Chris. Just do it. Now."

"Fine."

"Going."

"Coooming…"

Joey sat in his car in JC's driveway for several long moments. He wasn't quite sure what to expect when he finally rang the doorbell. He wasn't sure what JC felt toward him now, and didn't know if he was angry at all. JC angry was not a pretty sight.

Then again, Lance was worse, and that thought propelled Joey out of his car and onto JC's front porch.

Chris slowly extricated his limbs from JC's and stumbled in the direction of the bathroom.

"Could you…" JC called, moments before a wet cloth sailed across the room and landed with a wet splat on his stomach. "Thanks."

"Hey, you expecting somebody?"

"No."

"Someone's knocking."


4. I'm too scared to be me.


Joey knocked again on the door and wondered if JC had gone out, which meant he could postpone this until tomorrow and Lance wouldn't get to be angry at him, because it wasn't his fault that JC wasn't home.

He reached this brilliant conclusion just as the door opened. JC peered at him through the screen door. "You want something?"

"Yeah, I just wanted to say I'm sorry." Joey didn't want to meet his eyes and chose instead to focus his attention on the indent at the base of JC's throat, visible because JC was shirtless.

"Did Lance send you over here?"

"Well… yeah. Look, can I come in?"

JC pushed open the screen door. "Yeah, come on."

"Thanks."

"So…"

"So, I know I probably wouldn't have… Look. I really am sorry. And I know that you know that Lance had to get me to come, but I wanted to anyway. I feel bad and I shouldn't have said what I did."

"You're right. You shouldn't have."

"Look, you know I don't have a problem with you being gay. You know I don't."

"Just when it affects you."

Joey didn't reply.

JC sighed and ran his hands through already messy hair. Joey noticed that he was a little red, a little sweaty. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean… I didn't want to bring it up again. It's over, man. It's done."

Joey nodded. "You been exercising?"

"What?"

"You're all… sweaty."

"Oh, no."

"Hey, C! Who was it?"

Joey jerked his head up to the top of the stairs, where Chris stood, naked but for the sheet wrapped around his waist.

"Oh, hey, Joe."

"Hey." Joey looked back to JC, who met his eyes evenly. Joey knew. JC knew that Joey knew. Chris probably knew too but chose, for once, not to say anything. JC now dared Joey to mention it, to care.

Joey didn't, couldn't, had no reason to. "Well, hey. See you guys later."

"Yeah, bye." JC held the door open for him as he stepped out.

In the car, Joey picked up his cell phone and scrolled for Lance's number. He answered the first ring. "Joey?"

"It's done."

"You guys cool again?"

"Yeah."

"Good." Joey listened to him breath for several moments, unable to really articulate anything at that moment. "Something wrong, Joe?"

"He slept with Chris."

"Woah, what?"

"He and Chris. The beast with two backs."

"That's a Biblical term, isn't it?"

"Think so. But yeah, they definitely had sex."

"You didn't…. see anything. Did you?"

"No."

"Is this bothering you?"

"What? No."

"Because it shouldn't bother you."

"It doesn't."

"But it sounds like it does."

"It doesn't."

"Where in the Bible does the 'beast with two backs' come from?"

Joey shrugged before he remembered that he was talking to Lance over the phone. "I don't remember."

"You know it shouldn't bother you."

"I know."

"Because you're not gay."

"I know. I'm at my house now. I'm getting out of my car. I'm going to hang up."

"It bothers you, doesn't it?"

"No."

"If you say so."

"Bye," Joey said, as he punched the 'end' button.


5. You do everything I wish I did.


Joey didn't know how he'd ever touch JC again.

He wasn't scared of him, not really. He just didn't know how JC would take it, and that bothered him because he didn't like JC, not like that.

He missed it.

When the five of them were together at Johnny's one night for barbecue, Joey tried to tickle Lance like he would have done to JC before. But Lance blushed and pulled away from him, hid behind Justin. When he and Justin were tricked into listening to the barbecue secrets of the Wright family, he tried to put his arm around Justin, as he would have done to JC. But Justin turned the simple embrace into a tickle war that almost ended with both of them head first in the grill. It wasn't the same. And it wasn't fair.

Because Joey watched Chris throw his arm around JC, and JC simply stood in his embrace. He didn't pull away, he didn't tickle him, didn't even hug Chris back. He simply stood there, open and accepting.

And Joey wanted that.

He left the compound earlier than the rest, when normally he would have been one of the last to leave, might even have slept over, curled around JC on a couch.

Weeks passed, and Joey watched Chris and JC grow closer together. Watched JC fall asleep on Chris's shoulder, watched Chris tickle JC behind the clothes rack in Nordstrom because he thought no one was watching.

He watched, one night, when Chris caught JC against the door to the studio, kissed him while JC held one hand to the middle of Chris's back. It scared Joey that the first thought through his mind was "I want that."

Twenty-five years of heterosexuality under his belt. Girlfriends and lovers and groupies and a child and he'd never questioned before. He would know, wouldn't he, if he were into boys? He'd have known, had some inkling over the years. Twenty-five years was a long time.

He should know by now, shouldn't he?

"Hey, Joe, you coming over tonight?"

Joey looked up into JC's face, surrounded by its halo of curls. "What's tonight?"

"Justin and Britney's anniversary."

"Their what?"

"You haven't been listening, have you? Of their break up."

"Oh." Joey watched Chris come up behind JC, put an arm around his waist and hitch his chin over JC's shoulder. It amazed Joey that Chris was tall enough to do that, but then, JC slouched a lot.

"He coming?" Chris whispered into JC's ear before placing a small kiss on his neck.

Joey dropped his gaze quickly to Chris's small hand, spread across JC's stomach. He shook his head. "Can't."

"Why not?"

Joey refused to look up at Chris as he answered. "I got stuff."

"Stuff?"

"Stuff."

"What kind of stuff?"

"Just stuff. Look, I can't come."

Joey could hear the hurt and confusion in JC's voice when he answered. "But it's… we've been planning for… fine." But he didn't care.

Joey almost succeeded in skipping Chris's birthday party when Lance caught him at his house, watching "Office Space" for the millionth time.

"You're not coming."

"Wasn't planning on it."

"Why not?"

"Didn't want to."

"Is it because-"

"No."

"You don't even know what I was going to say."

"Yeah I do."

"Indulge me."

"You were going to ask if it was because they're gay, or something like that. You probably would have said it better, but that's basically what you would have said."

Lance nodded.

"And it's not that. I don't know what it is, I don't think. But it isn't that."

"Do you like JC?"

"Like him? Sure. As a friend. As one heterosexual male friend to another homosexual male friend."

"So what's your problem?"

"With you?"

"JC, for starters. He thinks you hate him."

"I don't hate him."

"Do you hate Chris?"

"No."

"So why…"

"I don't like him."

"JC? I know."

"I don't. He's a he. A guy, not a girl."

"Okay."

"He's got pecs instead of breasts. Lines instead of curves. His stomach is flat and hard."

"Well, yeah. Because he's not a girl."

"And… And… He smiles too big. And his hair is out of control. And he falls asleep and drools on my shoulder. And he sings all the time and when he thinks no one's watching he'll dance, but only if he's singing Janet. And he smiles so widely whenever I hug him. Like he's been waiting for my touch all day." He stopped for a moment, shook his head.

"Or he used to. Before he started with Chris. And…" He stopped again as realization swept over him. He couldn't go on. He felt all his values, morals, thoughts about himself shifting. He wasn't sure if they'd ever get back in place.

"Yes?" Joey couldn't understand why Lance was smiling when he felt so bad, so different.

"And I'm a fucking idiot."

"Yes."

"No, really. I am."

"So you do like him?"

"Like… love. I don't know. I know I miss him. I miss touching him all the time. I miss having him sleep on me. I miss his smile."

"You can have all that without 'being' with him."

"But I want him."

Joey stopped Lance as he was about to speak. "Wait. Holy shit. I want him."

"Okay."

"Am I gay?"

"I can't answer that."

"But-"

"I can't tell you what you are. I can tell you that wanting one person, loving one person doesn't change who you've always thought yourself to be. And it doesn't make you a different person. You're still Joey; still the same Joey you always were. You just understand yourself better now. Know a little more about yourself."

"So I'm..."

"Whatever you want to be."

Joey was silent, still reeling from the knowledge that he hadn't really known himself.

Lance's question drew him out. "So what are you going to do?"

"I don't know. I had my chance. He's with Chris now."

"If you hung out with us more you'd know. They broke up two weeks ago."

Joey had to bite back the instinctual urge to vomit as fear, nervousness, and joy warred in his heart. "What do I do?" he whispered.

"You might start with going to talk to him."

"Yeah."

"He should be at Chris's party."

"Yeah."

"Your keys are still in that little dish by your front door."

"Yeah."

"Get the hell out of that chair." Where Joey had been staring at the corner of his living room before, lost in his own thoughts, he looked up at Lance on this last command.

"Going," he said with a small smile.


6. I will always want you, I will always love you.


Chris did use his house for parties, though his birthday celebration was surprisingly small for someone who claimed so many "friends." Their management was there, Chris's family, and the other members of the group, who were allowed to bring any significant others they might have at the moment. Chris had always been strangely unwilling to celebrate his birthday, but he knew the others would make him if he didn't plan it himself, so this is the way they'd been celebrating since they met him.

Joey entered the house as quietly as possible, hoping that he wouldn't run into Chris until he'd had a chance to talk to JC.

After a narrow brush with Johnny, who would have announced his arrival to all, Joey found JC in the kitchen, talking to Molly.

"Hey, Joey!" she said. Her greeting alerted JC to his presence, and Joey watched the muscles in the back of JC's neck clench as his body stiffened against the counter.

"Hey, Molly, can I talk to JC for a bit?"

"Sure." She left.

"What do you want?"

JC's tone made Joey flinch. "To talk to you. Can we go someplace where people won't interrupt?"

JC nodded and led the way upstairs, to one of Chris's guest bedrooms. "We can talk here. What do you want?"

"To say I was wrong. I'm sorry."

"For what?" JC stood in one corner of the room, arms crossed over his chest.

"For making you think I hated you."

"Been talking to Lance again?"

"Um... yeah."

"Are you ever going to be able to figure out what you've done wrong on your own? Or are you always going to need someone else to tell you when you've screwed up?"

Joey remained silent for several moments, thinking. With a small voice he said, "No. I do know when I'm wrong. When I'm really really wrong and have hurt the people that I love most."

"Do you." Joey flinched again at JC's sarcastic tone.

"Yes."

"Great."

"Lance told me you and Chris broke up."

"Guess you'll be coming around again then."

"What?"

"Well, wasn't that your problem with us?"

"No."

"Then what was it? Why did you start pulling away?"

"I don't hate you."

"Okay."

"I was jealous."

"What?"

"Chris could touch you... I mean... hug you, whatever. Do all these things that I couldn't anymore."

"But you could-"

"No, I couldn't. Because I was scared of what it meant."

"So you just stopped."

"Because I wanted to touch you, a lot."

"You wanted... what?"

"Look. Remember when I told you about Kelly's girl crush, and you said that you'd have a boy crush, because it was the same gender and you couldn't just call it a crush anymore, because people would get confused?"

"Yeah."

"I have a boy crush."

JC's face fell. "You have a what?"

"Boy crush."

JC slumped, defeated, into a chair in the corner of the room. "That's great, Joey. Are we done now?"

"What? You aren't going to ask who?" Joey stepped closer to JC.

"I don't want to play games."

"It's not a game."

"Fine. Who?"

Joey moved even closer until he could kneel at JC's feet. "You."

At the soft admission JC burst out of his chair. "Me?" he cried, pointing at himself. "How can it be me? You said... you told me... you called me... and then you just let me get with Chris and now, two months later you decide to tell me..."

Joey stood slowly, but didn't look up. "I didn't know. I didn't, you have to believe me."

"I don't."

"But it's true!" Joey looked up then, pleading with JC. "Twenty-five years. I've been heterosexual for twenty-five years. I've never wanted a man before, ever. And I don't think I want them now."

"So, what..."

"It's just you. I want you."

"But I'm..."

"A guy, I know. It doesn't seem to matter."

"Is this about the touching thing? You can hug me without being with me."

"That's what Lance said. But I want more."

"More?"

"I want to kiss you, not just hold you. I want to sleep with you every night, not just those nights that we're too drunk to drive home. I want... you. All of you, not just the parts you share with everyone else."

"Joey..."

"Yes?"

"I'm just not sure that I can do this."

"Huh?"

"What if you're wrong? What if you don't really want me? I can't risk that. I can't let myself care enough to get hurt."

"But I wouldn't-"

"You already have once."

"But I didn't know-"

"And that is a valid excuse. But I can't risk it again. It hurts too much."

"Oh." Joey sat in the chair behind him. "Oh," he repeated.

"I'm sorry."

Tears clouded Joey's vision as he heard the sound of footsteps moving away from him. He stood to make his way blindly to the window, and in his own fumbling progression didn't hear the footsteps stop and turn back, moving swiftly in his direction.

He felt hands on his shoulders, wrenching him around, felt arms encircling his neck as a face pressed itself in the hollow of his throat. Joey's arms came up in automatic response and once he realized who it was, tightened around JC.

"I can't.... I couldn't leave. But you have to promise.... promise me that you won't hurt me," JC whispered against Joey's neck.

Joey pressed his face into JC's hair, inhaling the scent of styling products and JC. "I won't, I couldn't."

"Promise."

"I promise."

JC pulled his face away from Joey's neck, tilted it up towards Joey's face. But he waited for Joey to make the first move.

Joey lifted his hands to cup JC's face, his finger tips buried in JC's hair, his thumbs grazing the corners of JC's mouth.

JC closed his eyes. "I missed this," he whispered. "Touching you..." was breathed against Joey's lips as he bent to cover JC's.

"So, you still happy?" Lance asked.

Joey switched phone hands and turned to look at JC, sprawled naked in the bed beside him, still asleep. "Oh yeah."

"No regrets?"

"Only that I didn't do this sooner."

"Really?"

"Really. I love him. It's so amazing."

Joey could almost hear Lance's grin. "It is. Listen, I gotta go."

"Bye," Joey said and hung up. He turned to stretch himself out next to JC, and found himself pinned to the bed under the other man. "Freak, you were awake."

JC bent to nuzzle Joey's neck. "Uh huh."

"Not nice to eavesdrop," Joey said as he ran his hands up JC's thighs.

"Nope."

"JC?"

"I love you."

"Love you, too."

They didn't talk for a long time after that, only quiet whispers and moans of passion and love. Later, as Joey pressed himself against JC's back, inhaling the scent of sweat and sex and JC, he wondered how he couldn't have known this, all along.