by skeabs
I'm more than a bird
"You look much better today. How do you feel?" "Good." "Great. Let's continue our discussion about Lance." "Okay. I guess." "Did you ever tell him? That you loved him? "About a week ago. We're on a break. We were anyway. For about two weeks before we went to Europe. We all ended up in Orlando, but Lance's house is still being worked on, so he stayed at mine." "So you decided..." "That the hiatus would be the perfect time. We were away from the guys, bus drivers, time commitments, everything." "And what did you tell him?" "Everything that I was feeling. You know, all that 'baring the soul' shit." "Joey." "Everything. I told him how I felt about our arrangement, how I felt about him, and all of it. I told him everything." "What was his response?" "It was less than positive." "What was it?" "He laughed. All right? He fucking laughed like it was a damn joke." "But it wasn't a joke." "No it wasn't a fucking joke. I was being real. For once in my life I was being real and laying myself down so someone else could see. I just... I don't do that ever. I just... it's not easy being me." "Why not?" "People want the happy Joe. The one that hugs everyone and makes them feel
better. They don't want to have to look deeper, you know? See that I don't
want to be happy all the time. Don't want to be their damn teddy bear all
the time. Want to tell them to get a fucking blankie and leave me alone.
God... it just.... it hurt. That the one time I'd try, he'd laugh."
Wish that I could cry
"How did you react?" "To his laughter? I laughed too. Told him of course I was kidding. Grinned so huge that my cheeks hurt. Sent him upstairs." "You laughed?" "It was all I could do! I smiled and made a joke and all the time I wanted to scream and wail." "Why didn't you?" "The smile. It got fucking stuck. I couldn't stop."
Find a way to lie
"So you lied to him." "I had to. He obviously wasn't reciprocating my feelings." "You didn't give him long." "His initial reaction was shock and disbelief. I'm pretty certain that's not a good sign." "Are you sure?" "No, I'm not sure. But I'm not taking that chance." "Why not?" "Because he held my life, my fucking heart in his hands and he laughed. If he was going to hand it back after that, I really didn't want to know." "What if he wasn't?" "I don't know. I just don't know. God." "What's funny?" "One of the lines I used last night. 'Let me be your home.' I was just
struck by how pathetic I must have sounded. No wonder he laughed."
It may sound absurd but don't be naïve
"What did you do then?" "When?" "After sending Lance upstairs." "Took our cups back into the kitchen. But I dropped one." "And then?" "And then nothing. I picked it up and threw it away." "Joe." “I don’t want to talk about it.” [next]
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